After my husband got home from work last night I told him we needed to sit down and have a talk. I explained to him about everything I have read and been told about “Unicorn Hunters” and the unlikely triad. I mentioned possible scenarios where the triad would fall apart and one or more people would end up hurt. Then I read him everything that I had been reading and explained in detail about how it made me feel. It was a lengthy discussion and it started out kind of rough.
His initial response was that he didn’t want to date someone if I wasn’t involved in the relationship and he didn’t want me to date someone without him. That’s what I was afraid of. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t yell, nor did I argue. I explained to him what was wrong with that mind set and, to my surprise, he understood. So then he asked me what I proposed we do.
I read everything to him. Everything that I had received on the forums, my blog, and things I had found online. I read about the common pitfalls of “Unicorn Hunting” and how triads tend to fail. I read what other people proposed we do instead. I read about the few functional triads I had found. Everything. Then we talked some more. We talked about his jealousy and how he felt about everything I was saying and proposing to him.
Through our discussions this is what we came up with:
My husband and I are both comfortable having separate relationships. My husband is still really stuck on wanting to have a triad, but we aren’t going to force that type of relationship, nor are we going to seek it out. We have agreed to both date women separately. He told me he isn’t jealous of other women, but he is jealous of other men. I have agreed to only date women because that is all I am really looking for right now. I have a man, why the hell would I need another one?? lol. But I did tell him that we need to work on his jealousy because one day down the road I may want to explore a relationship with another man and I would want him to be open and comfortable with that possibility. He agreed to work on it. I asked my husband how he felt about having a relationship without me and he said he didn’t feel too comfortable with it, but he was open to trying. He also said that he was completely fine with me having other relationships with women even if he later decided not to date anyone else. He isn’t very tech savvy and has concerns about meeting women and I offered to help him out as much as I could.
I feel a lot better after having talked with my husband. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that he was going to be against the whole idea and that was going to be the end of all of this. We definitely still have a lot more talking to do, I fell like I overwhelmed him last night so I want to make sure he is still on board with everything. I know he still wants a triad and has his heart set on finding one. I hope we find one too, but I want it to develop naturally. I feel like we are making more moves in the right direction and I hope that soon we can start exploring other relationships.
The Polyamorous Side of Things 