Feeling Judged

I received a comment today on a polyamory site that I belong to.  I have only recently joined the site and I posted an introduction stating that my husband and I are going to be looking for a bisexual female to add to our family, life and marriage.  I also said that we had to be cautious about who we bring into our home because I have a 4 month old daughter.

The comment said, “You aren’t the only ones who should be cautious. The poor girl who gets “brought in” to “add to” your relationship should be very cautious!
You add ketchup to french fries, or sugar to coffee, to enhance the flavor – you don’t add people to a relationship. People aren’t condiments. They aren’t put here to enhance what you have with someone else, nor to serve you. You develop relationships with individuals. If you can remember that, you might have a shot.”

Excuse me, what?  This is not fair.  This woman has never talked to me before, nor does she know my intentions.  I don’t appreciate being judged in this manner.  I have done a lot of reading and I understand that when a married couple seeks out a bi female to add to their marriage they generally make rules, limitations, and guidelines for her and don’t let her have much say because it’s the marriage that is more important.  The marriage is valued highly where as the feelings, opinions, and needs of the new female aren’t given as much thought.  That may be the case with a lot of couples, but my husband and I are not looking to do that.  We want this to work.  We want to find an individual, a woman, a person with feelings, needs, and thoughts of her own that will only make our family complete.  We aren’t looking to add a temporary accessory to fulfill sexual desires.  We are looking for a relationship.  Something long term.  We are looking for someone we can love, and that will love us in return.  We are looking for our soul mate.

My husband and I have not made any rules, limitations, or guide lines regarding the relationship we hope to find.  We don’t think that is fair.  We want to build the relationship together once we find our special girl.  Yes, we are looking for certain personality traits and lifestyle choices that match ours, but I think that is the case with any type of relationship.  I am not looking to control the relationship my husband starts with this woman, nor is he looking to control mine.  We want things to develop on their own and whatever rules need to be set we will discuss together, the three of us.  We want to hear her thoughts, her opinions, her needs.  We want to fulfill her needs too, not just our own.

I really didn’t appreciate this woman jumping to conclusions with me just because other couples make those mistakes.  I’m here to learn about the lifestyle, to figure out the best ways to do things so that it CAN work.  We aren’t looking to control and manipulate someone to fit our needs and then toss her to the curb when we decide it isn’t fun anymore.  That’s not the type of people that we are.  I thought her response was very rude, and I made sure she knew it.

This was MY response: “I never said I was only looking to add spice or flavor to our relationship. We’re looking for another person, another individual, to join our relationship to make it more complete. We are looking for another person to love, and love us in return. We are looking for our other soulmate.
We aren’t the married couple that is going to make a bunch of set rules and guide lines for someone that isn’t even a part of our relationship yet. So I am upset that you would jump to such conclusions before actually knowing our intentions and our mind set. I have done my research, and thank you *****, I have read that post as well as several other so I know the common mistakes that couples like my husband and I usually make. We don’t want to make those mistakes.
I am not looking to control the relationship that my husband makes with whom ever we find and he isn’t looking to control mine. We haven’t even made any rules or limitations for each other because we want to wait until we find someone we have chemistry with and build the relationship together. We aren’t trying to build a relationship between the two of us and find a woman that fits into the mold we make, we are looking to mold the relationship once we find the other woman that makes this all complete. If my husband and I only wanted another woman for us to have sex with now and again, we wouldn’t have to take our time to do that.
So thank you for being quite rude and making us feel very judged and unwelcome. I hope you don’t judge everyone as quickly.”

You would think that a group of people being so used to being wrongly judged by society would be less likely to judge others and more likely to help.




My husband and I have been talking about adding another woman to our family for some time now, but haven’t made any moves in that direction.  Just recently, I started exploring polyamory online and have come across some very interesting websites, forums, and blogs.  My husband and I recognize that we are a long way off from actually inviting someone into our lives.  We first want to learn more about the lifestyle and get a feel for what we are really looking for, then when we do meet someone, we want to really get to know the person before inviting them into our home and our marriage.  We are looking for someone we add to our family and our life, we don’t want to bring someone different home every other weekend.

I have been learning a lot about Polyamory from my online searches.  I have learned some of the terminology, some of which makes me laugh.  Unicorn Hunters for example 😛  I have also found this fantastic article which I have found to be very helpful.  It had a lot of information for new comers like us.  http://www.davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

Anyways, this is the start of our journey through Polyamory.  I hope we all enjoy the ride.