Posts Tagged ‘Triad’

Feeling Defeated

I’m feeling frustrated. . .no, I’m feeling defeated.  When my husband and I finally started to make moves in the direction of having a polyamorous relationship, I didn’t realize how rare or nearly impossible it was to find a functional, successful triad.

I started by joining forums where I expected to be embraced and welcomed into this group of like-minded people.  I was more or less rejected by the group for being “Unicorn Hunters” and seeking out the impossible.  I was stereotyped into being the type of person (people) that would want to hold a job interview to find a woman that we would control, manipulate, and use to fit our own needs and wants and then cast her away when things didn’t work out.  I was offended.

Then, I started doing some reading about “Unicorn Hunters” and found there was a lot about that type of relationship that I hadn’t given much thought to.  I realized there was a lot that we had to keep in mind and be wary of before looking for a woman to start a relationship with.  We read about how to be fair, open, honest, and communicate so that the relationship was beneficial to all parties.  I felt like I was making moves in the right direction by doing my reading and expanding my knowledge on the subject.  I started to feel better and apologized for the mistakes I had made in the forum.

Then. . .I did it.  I googled “triad”, “successful MFF triad”, “functional working triad relationships”, etc.  You know what I found?  I found one!  Yes, one website about a functional MFF triad.  http://polytical.org/2012/05/one-man-two-women-youre-doing-it-wrong/

I was told it was rare.  I was told it was impossible.  I was told I was making a huge mistake for even looking for such a thing, but I didn’t think it was that rare or that impossible.

I’m being told not to seek out a triad, but to date separately and if a triad develops, then fantastic.  There is one BIG problem.  My darling, loving, open minded, JEALOUS, husband.  I don’t think he would go for dating separately.  We have talked about polyamory.  We have discussed it’s benefits and how we feel that it is the natural way of things, however my husband has a very hard time getting over his jealousy.  That’s why we wanted to do this together.  I figured if we found a girl together and had not only a relationship together, but also separately with this woman, it wouldn’t be so hard for him to get over his jealousy and then down the road we could open our relationships even more and see other people separately.  OR, if it had worked out that the girl we found only ended up really hitting it off with one of us and the relationship ended up branching off then it would be an easier transition for him that way as well.  Was I wrong for thinking that?

Now I’m worried, discouraged, and frustrated.  Should I just forget about having a polyamorous relationship because of my jealous husband?  I wouldn’t want to involve someone that is going to end up getting hurt because my husband puts the kabosh on the whole thing because he is uncomfortable and I also don’t want to put him in a position where he is uncomfortable.

I have found a few posts on forums of triads working, but now I am afraid.  I’m scared of ruining everything, my marriage, my family. . .everything.  It was a risk I was willing to take, but now that I have gotten absolutely no support I feel defeated.

I will talk more with my husband about this soon and hopefully we can come to a conclusion together that we can both be happy with.  Updates to come.

 

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Learning from My Mistakes

I have been spending a lot of time in polyamory forums lately and today it was brought to my attention that some of my wording can be negatively misinterpreted.  In many of my posts, some of them on here as well, I tend to use the words “add to” or “brought in” when describing how we intend to begin a new relationship with another woman.  I was not aware that wording like that could be interpreted as we want to “add” this woman to an existing relationship where she would need to change to fit in or she would simply be an addition or accessory to something that isn’t quite good enough.  That really isn’t how I intended for it to sound.

When I would say that I wanted to “add” a woman to our relationship I only meant that my husband and I already have a formed relationship.  I don’t simply want to add a little flavor.  I didn’t see or think about how my wording could be misinterpreted and I am glad that it was pointed out to me.  I don’t simply want to add another person to our relationship, we want to build something new with her.  We are hoping to develop and create a lasting relationship with this woman, not just throw her into our own.

So I suppose I should be saying something more like this:

My husband and I are hoping to find a woman that we can create a lasting relationship with.  We want to take our time and develop something special together.  We want to form a relationship that benefits all of us, not just my husband and I, though honestly, openness, and communication.  We don’t want a hierarchy, though I am finding it is difficult to avoid that with an already married couple, but we are trying to make this relationship fair to all parties.  We want to be just as open with her as we are with each other and we want to give her all the rights and say in the relationship that we have.  We aren’t looking to control and manipulate someone into fitting our needs and then throw her away when it isn’t fun anymore.  We want a lifetime relationship with someone.  We want the good and the bad.  We want to work to make things work.  Like any other relationship.

It was my mistake to say that we wanted to “bring in” a woman or “add” her to our marriage because that isn’t really what I meant.  We want to create something new and beautiful with her.