Seeking…

My husband and I have bought a house and with that have decided to start seeking out other relationships and dates.  I have to say it’s a little difficult.   Not only is it weird trying to date again, but it is quite difficult to find people open to a relationship with someone that is already married.

My husband and I have been doing most of our searches online because we aren’t really comfortable doing so in a bar.  Meeting someone that you have chemistry with is hard enough without being married and seeking out socially unacceptable relationships. 

We have talked to a few different women, some even very promising, but when the topic of sex comes up jo one seems to make it any further.  My husband and I are rather kinky.  We practice domestic discipline with light D/s and bdsm.  So…we have some pretty major deal breakers. 

Frustrated, but not giving up.  I am trying to keep the mindset that anyone I am meant to be with will more or less fall in my lap.

Lover girl.  Where are you?

Progress

Things have been going quite well on the home front. My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about what we want and what we are looking for in our new relationships. We have also started talking to a few different women just to get the ball rolling. I can’t speak on behalf of my husband, but I can say that I have found some amazing women that I have been conversing with and enjoying every minute.

I have made sure to be completely honest and up front about our situation. I always open with the facts: I am married. I am polyamorous. I am only seeking women. I have a daughter. I am looking for a relationship. I don’t want any confusion, secrets, or anything left in the dark. If someone is going to share a relationship with me they have to know what they are getting into.

It’s been a while since I have had these sort of conversations with people. Getting to know them. Getting a sense for their personality and feelings. It’s different, it’s nice. I have enjoyed getting to know a few women in the last couple of weeks and I am currently talking to 1 that I really feel we might have something going. I always tell people that I want to take things slow. I don’t want to rush. There is a lot I am still discovering about myself, my marriage, my husband, and what I am looking for. I want to get to know someone thoroughly and I want them to know me just as well before we meet and start really progressing as a couple.

I am excited about the future. About what relationships may develop. About the changes my husband and I are going to make with ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. I am excited about this journey and where it will take us.

The Conversation

After my husband got home from work last night I told him we needed to sit down and have a talk.  I explained to him about everything I have read and been told about “Unicorn Hunters” and the unlikely triad.  I mentioned possible scenarios where the triad would fall apart and one or more people would end up hurt.  Then I read him everything that I had been reading and explained in detail about how it made me feel.  It was a lengthy discussion and it started out kind of rough.

His initial response was that he didn’t want to date someone if I wasn’t involved in the relationship and he didn’t want me to date someone without him.  That’s what I was afraid of.  I didn’t get upset.  I didn’t yell, nor did I argue.  I explained to him what was wrong with that mind set and, to my surprise, he understood.  So then he asked me what I proposed we do.

I read everything to him.  Everything that I had received on the forums, my blog, and things I had found online.  I read about the common pitfalls of “Unicorn Hunting” and how triads tend to fail.  I read what other people proposed we do instead.  I read about the few functional triads I had found.  Everything.  Then we talked some more.  We talked about his jealousy and how he felt about everything I was saying and proposing to him.

Through our discussions this is what we came up with:

My husband and I are both comfortable having separate relationships.  My husband is still really stuck on wanting to have a triad, but we aren’t going to force that type of relationship, nor are we going to seek it out.  We have agreed to both date women separately.  He told me he isn’t jealous of other women, but he is jealous of other men.  I have agreed to only date women because that is all I am really looking for right now.  I have a man, why the hell would I need another one?? lol.  But I did tell him that we need to work on his jealousy because one day down the road I may want to explore a relationship with another man and I would want him to be open and comfortable with that possibility.  He agreed to work on it.  I asked my husband how he felt about having a relationship without me and he said he didn’t feel too comfortable with it, but he was open to trying.  He also said that he was completely fine with me having other relationships with women even if he later decided not to date anyone else.  He isn’t very tech savvy and has concerns about meeting women and I offered to help him out as much as I could.

I feel a lot better after having talked with my husband.  I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that he was going to be against the whole idea and that was going to be the end of all of this.  We definitely still have a lot more talking to do, I fell like I overwhelmed him last night so I want to make sure he is still on board with everything.  I know he still wants a triad and has his heart set on finding one.  I hope we find one too, but I want it to develop naturally.  I feel like we are making more moves in the right direction and I hope that soon we can start exploring other relationships.

tips and tricks for triads

I found this blog today and I really enjoyed this post, just wanted to share 😀

Sex Geek

Lately I’ve spent a fair bit of time thinking about triads. How they work, what happens when they don’t, what the possible pitfalls are, how to avoid them (the pitfalls, not the triads).

It seems as though the triad is one of the most talked-about and desired forms of poly, and yet there’s very little written specifically about triad dynamics. Cultural fantasies about threesomes abound, but that’s by no means the same thing; and what little non-fiction I’ve found on the topic is generally a) all about the sex (natch – because the cultural fantasies are about threesomes, not triads – why bother relating to people when you can just use them as real live sex toys?) and b) based on a heterosexual, heteronormative, heterosexist and remarkably homophobic model. Having just read Vicki Vantoch’s The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three, which explicitly discusses the specific…

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Feeling Defeated

I’m feeling frustrated. . .no, I’m feeling defeated.  When my husband and I finally started to make moves in the direction of having a polyamorous relationship, I didn’t realize how rare or nearly impossible it was to find a functional, successful triad.

I started by joining forums where I expected to be embraced and welcomed into this group of like-minded people.  I was more or less rejected by the group for being “Unicorn Hunters” and seeking out the impossible.  I was stereotyped into being the type of person (people) that would want to hold a job interview to find a woman that we would control, manipulate, and use to fit our own needs and wants and then cast her away when things didn’t work out.  I was offended.

Then, I started doing some reading about “Unicorn Hunters” and found there was a lot about that type of relationship that I hadn’t given much thought to.  I realized there was a lot that we had to keep in mind and be wary of before looking for a woman to start a relationship with.  We read about how to be fair, open, honest, and communicate so that the relationship was beneficial to all parties.  I felt like I was making moves in the right direction by doing my reading and expanding my knowledge on the subject.  I started to feel better and apologized for the mistakes I had made in the forum.

Then. . .I did it.  I googled “triad”, “successful MFF triad”, “functional working triad relationships”, etc.  You know what I found?  I found one!  Yes, one website about a functional MFF triad.  http://polytical.org/2012/05/one-man-two-women-youre-doing-it-wrong/

I was told it was rare.  I was told it was impossible.  I was told I was making a huge mistake for even looking for such a thing, but I didn’t think it was that rare or that impossible.

I’m being told not to seek out a triad, but to date separately and if a triad develops, then fantastic.  There is one BIG problem.  My darling, loving, open minded, JEALOUS, husband.  I don’t think he would go for dating separately.  We have talked about polyamory.  We have discussed it’s benefits and how we feel that it is the natural way of things, however my husband has a very hard time getting over his jealousy.  That’s why we wanted to do this together.  I figured if we found a girl together and had not only a relationship together, but also separately with this woman, it wouldn’t be so hard for him to get over his jealousy and then down the road we could open our relationships even more and see other people separately.  OR, if it had worked out that the girl we found only ended up really hitting it off with one of us and the relationship ended up branching off then it would be an easier transition for him that way as well.  Was I wrong for thinking that?

Now I’m worried, discouraged, and frustrated.  Should I just forget about having a polyamorous relationship because of my jealous husband?  I wouldn’t want to involve someone that is going to end up getting hurt because my husband puts the kabosh on the whole thing because he is uncomfortable and I also don’t want to put him in a position where he is uncomfortable.

I have found a few posts on forums of triads working, but now I am afraid.  I’m scared of ruining everything, my marriage, my family. . .everything.  It was a risk I was willing to take, but now that I have gotten absolutely no support I feel defeated.

I will talk more with my husband about this soon and hopefully we can come to a conclusion together that we can both be happy with.  Updates to come.

 

Learning from My Mistakes

I have been spending a lot of time in polyamory forums lately and today it was brought to my attention that some of my wording can be negatively misinterpreted.  In many of my posts, some of them on here as well, I tend to use the words “add to” or “brought in” when describing how we intend to begin a new relationship with another woman.  I was not aware that wording like that could be interpreted as we want to “add” this woman to an existing relationship where she would need to change to fit in or she would simply be an addition or accessory to something that isn’t quite good enough.  That really isn’t how I intended for it to sound.

When I would say that I wanted to “add” a woman to our relationship I only meant that my husband and I already have a formed relationship.  I don’t simply want to add a little flavor.  I didn’t see or think about how my wording could be misinterpreted and I am glad that it was pointed out to me.  I don’t simply want to add another person to our relationship, we want to build something new with her.  We are hoping to develop and create a lasting relationship with this woman, not just throw her into our own.

So I suppose I should be saying something more like this:

My husband and I are hoping to find a woman that we can create a lasting relationship with.  We want to take our time and develop something special together.  We want to form a relationship that benefits all of us, not just my husband and I, though honestly, openness, and communication.  We don’t want a hierarchy, though I am finding it is difficult to avoid that with an already married couple, but we are trying to make this relationship fair to all parties.  We want to be just as open with her as we are with each other and we want to give her all the rights and say in the relationship that we have.  We aren’t looking to control and manipulate someone into fitting our needs and then throw her away when it isn’t fun anymore.  We want a lifetime relationship with someone.  We want the good and the bad.  We want to work to make things work.  Like any other relationship.

It was my mistake to say that we wanted to “bring in” a woman or “add” her to our marriage because that isn’t really what I meant.  We want to create something new and beautiful with her.

Taking Our Time, Dammit!

It kind of amazes me at how quickly people are willing to meet offline.  Only very recently have we started posting online that we will eventually be looking for someone that can join our family.  In the last few days I have spoken with a few women from the area that are interested, or at least curious, about a similar lifestyle.  On every profile, forum, or site I have posted on I have always stated that my husband and I are looking to take our time to get to know someone before meeting and then take our time again before we invite them into our home, marriage, life, and family.

We don’t want to rush.  We are looking for chemistry and for someone that we can connect with emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, etc.  Not just physically.  If we were only looking for someone that we connected with physically and sexually then we wouldn’t have to take our time.  It wouldn’t be difficult to find the right person.

I have already spoken with a few women and within the first 20-30 minutes a few of them were already talking about meeting.  It amazes me and frustrates me at how people just want to rush into things and no one wants to take their time to get to know someone.  Especially online.  Isn’t anyone afraid of predators anymore?  How do people know that my husband and I aren’t serial killers or something and they are ready for us to just come and meet them?  There was a time when I was like this as well and I am very fortunate that I didn’t get myself into worse situations than I did.  Now that I am older and I have a daughter I can’t believe how trusting people are of each other.

We’re waiting for the person that wants to take her time also.  That wants to talk and get to know us while we get to know her.  We want to know we already have some connections before we meet in person.  We’re waiting for our special lady, our soul mate.

Feeling Judged

I received a comment today on a polyamory site that I belong to.  I have only recently joined the site and I posted an introduction stating that my husband and I are going to be looking for a bisexual female to add to our family, life and marriage.  I also said that we had to be cautious about who we bring into our home because I have a 4 month old daughter.

The comment said, “You aren’t the only ones who should be cautious. The poor girl who gets “brought in” to “add to” your relationship should be very cautious!
You add ketchup to french fries, or sugar to coffee, to enhance the flavor – you don’t add people to a relationship. People aren’t condiments. They aren’t put here to enhance what you have with someone else, nor to serve you. You develop relationships with individuals. If you can remember that, you might have a shot.”

Excuse me, what?  This is not fair.  This woman has never talked to me before, nor does she know my intentions.  I don’t appreciate being judged in this manner.  I have done a lot of reading and I understand that when a married couple seeks out a bi female to add to their marriage they generally make rules, limitations, and guidelines for her and don’t let her have much say because it’s the marriage that is more important.  The marriage is valued highly where as the feelings, opinions, and needs of the new female aren’t given as much thought.  That may be the case with a lot of couples, but my husband and I are not looking to do that.  We want this to work.  We want to find an individual, a woman, a person with feelings, needs, and thoughts of her own that will only make our family complete.  We aren’t looking to add a temporary accessory to fulfill sexual desires.  We are looking for a relationship.  Something long term.  We are looking for someone we can love, and that will love us in return.  We are looking for our soul mate.

My husband and I have not made any rules, limitations, or guide lines regarding the relationship we hope to find.  We don’t think that is fair.  We want to build the relationship together once we find our special girl.  Yes, we are looking for certain personality traits and lifestyle choices that match ours, but I think that is the case with any type of relationship.  I am not looking to control the relationship my husband starts with this woman, nor is he looking to control mine.  We want things to develop on their own and whatever rules need to be set we will discuss together, the three of us.  We want to hear her thoughts, her opinions, her needs.  We want to fulfill her needs too, not just our own.

I really didn’t appreciate this woman jumping to conclusions with me just because other couples make those mistakes.  I’m here to learn about the lifestyle, to figure out the best ways to do things so that it CAN work.  We aren’t looking to control and manipulate someone to fit our needs and then toss her to the curb when we decide it isn’t fun anymore.  That’s not the type of people that we are.  I thought her response was very rude, and I made sure she knew it.

This was MY response: “I never said I was only looking to add spice or flavor to our relationship. We’re looking for another person, another individual, to join our relationship to make it more complete. We are looking for another person to love, and love us in return. We are looking for our other soulmate.
We aren’t the married couple that is going to make a bunch of set rules and guide lines for someone that isn’t even a part of our relationship yet. So I am upset that you would jump to such conclusions before actually knowing our intentions and our mind set. I have done my research, and thank you *****, I have read that post as well as several other so I know the common mistakes that couples like my husband and I usually make. We don’t want to make those mistakes.
I am not looking to control the relationship that my husband makes with whom ever we find and he isn’t looking to control mine. We haven’t even made any rules or limitations for each other because we want to wait until we find someone we have chemistry with and build the relationship together. We aren’t trying to build a relationship between the two of us and find a woman that fits into the mold we make, we are looking to mold the relationship once we find the other woman that makes this all complete. If my husband and I only wanted another woman for us to have sex with now and again, we wouldn’t have to take our time to do that.
So thank you for being quite rude and making us feel very judged and unwelcome. I hope you don’t judge everyone as quickly.”

You would think that a group of people being so used to being wrongly judged by society would be less likely to judge others and more likely to help.

 

Introduction

My husband and I have been talking about adding another woman to our family for some time now, but haven’t made any moves in that direction.  Just recently, I started exploring polyamory online and have come across some very interesting websites, forums, and blogs.  My husband and I recognize that we are a long way off from actually inviting someone into our lives.  We first want to learn more about the lifestyle and get a feel for what we are really looking for, then when we do meet someone, we want to really get to know the person before inviting them into our home and our marriage.  We are looking for someone we add to our family and our life, we don’t want to bring someone different home every other weekend.

I have been learning a lot about Polyamory from my online searches.  I have learned some of the terminology, some of which makes me laugh.  Unicorn Hunters for example 😛  I have also found this fantastic article which I have found to be very helpful.  It had a lot of information for new comers like us.  http://www.davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-called-you-a-unicorn-hunter/

Anyways, this is the start of our journey through Polyamory.  I hope we all enjoy the ride.